So you killed your first date? Duh. You were your naturally charming, sexy self, and now your date has the heart eye emojis for you? Here’s the thing. You don’t want to see this person again. That’s right. Ladies, we go through it too. Whether it’s halfway through the date or when your trying to tame your bed head in the morning, sometimes you just realise this is not going to be a long term thing. So what do you do so the guy thinks it was his decision to end things?

Talk About Your Ex

You’re not going to just mention your ex. Make your date your therapist as you delve into all ins and outs of what your ex did wrong. People can tell a lot about your character from past relationships, especially if you’re putting all the blame and responsibility on your ex. Also, if you did something crazy during the aftermath of your breakup, don’t be afraid to throw that in the conversation as well. It’ll be enough of a red flag for your date to tattoo “temporary” on your forehead.

Complain About Everything

Negativity is truly toxic. If you complain about everything on your date, he’ll get a sense of negative energy from you, and he’ll realise what a downer you are. Make sure you criticise everything in your life, from your overbearing mum who still makes your favourite dish every time you visit to how annoying it is that your dog just had puppies.

Yes, this is key. Anyone can complain about the negative aspects of the world, but it takes skill to complain about positive things in the world like your mother and adorable puppies. If you really feel like getting into character, call your waiter or bartender over with loads of complaints. Not only will you come off as overly critical, but you’ll be seen as very high maintenance.

Be REALLY Needy In The Morning

Nothing annoys guys more than when you’re hanging around in the morning, while he mentally figures out how he’s going to kick you out of his bed. So hang on to him. In fact, just sprawl your whole body out on top of him. However, this will backfire if you have morning sex! Tell him you just want to cuddle and hold each other. Call him a ridiculous pet name like cupcake too while you cuddle. And when he starts mentioning all the things he has to get done for the day, be oblivious as you cling onto him.

Have Absurd Excuses For Texting Back Late

Nothing is more of a pet peeve than flakey texters. Go hours without getting back to him, and when you do, hit him with a storm of messages that explain why you were gone. Say your phone broke. Better yet, tell him you accidentally tossed it in a fire and had to get a new phone. The point is that you’re not playing hard to get, but at the same time, you’re smothering him with messages, which will likely confuse and overwhelm the poor soul. Eventually, he’ll get fed up and Tinder will be way more of a viable option.

Written by: Kavita Singh

Illustration: Bleeker Brand by Beth Richardson