Renting can be hard, especially if you have no dough and need to trawl through Spareroom to find a flatshare with complete strangers. It’s a bit like a lottery, but instead of a 1 in 45 million chance of winning some major mula, you have roughly the same odds of living with someone you really get along with.

At first, they might seem alright. Maybe you like to binge-watch the same shows, or maybe you both enjoy short walks to the fridge together, but things can sometimes turn sour (like the food in the aforementioned fridge). Sometimes living in confined spaces together can mean people easily get the feels, and take your polite but disinterested fake laugh to mean that you totally loved their mansplaining and that you definitely want them.

It’s a tricky situation to handle; you don’t want to trod all over their achy breaky heart and have to listen to them sniffling over the Bridget Jones soundtrack on loop through the paper thin walls of your tiny house, but you also don’t want to let them down so gently that they think there’s still some hope.

So, how can you turn off your Venus-like charm and reject someone while still being a decent roommate?

Honesty Is The Best Policy

Just flat out tell them that you’re not interested. Don’t tiptoe around the subject, just look them in the eyes, channel your inner Dangerous Woman, and say, “thank u, next”. It may feel awkward for you, but it’s definitely ten times more awkward for them, and they don’t want to listen to a long-winded story about why it would never work as much as you don’t want to come up with one. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Do it like a Band-Aid, and rip that thing off before it festers.

Speak In The Language Of Love

Maybe this is French, or German, or the little phrases of Spanish you remember from your recent Narcos binge. Whether you’re counting to ten in Italian, or mimicking a threat from the cartel, just pretend that all of a sudden you don’t speak English anymore, and you literally can’t understand a word they’re saying. They’re bound to fall for it, ¿sí o no?

Come Up With A Vague Excuse

We all want to be noble and do the right thing and just tell the truth, but even with good intentions, sometimes the moment can be too awkward and you just blurt out some pathetic excuse. Maybe it’s the classic go-to of “I’m seeing someone already” (even though they know you spend 99% of your free time alone in your room with a face mask on watching the best bits of The Office on YouTube), or maybe you go with the more obscure “I actually am incapable of feeling emotions for anything other than food but thanks anyway”. Maybe you let them know that you’re actually really busy trying to remember where you saw that cute dog last week so that you can try to see it again, so you’ve just got too much on your plate right now to think about anything else. Whatever the excuse, play it off with conviction and it’s sure to work like a charm.

The Eyes Are The Nipples Of The Face

Use those windows to the soul to convey meaning without saying a word, and just stare. But not an adoring ‘I want you stare’. Think less ‘blushing bride’ look of love, and more Bride of Chucky evil eyes. It’s bound to keep them at bay (maybe forever).

Hit Them Where it Hurts

Eat their food. Eat all of their food. It’s more soul destroying than any rejection could ever be (just be prepared for some potential retaliation).

Confuse Them With Weird Compliments

“Oh wow, did your moustache grow a little bit since I saw you yesterday? That’s pretty impressive, man! Yours grows like twice as fast as mine! Speaking of, I better go tweeze that bad boy.”

Master The Art Of Misdirection

This one is simpler than it sounds. Just shout “hey look over there!” and make a break for your room.

If All Else Fails…

Maybe just move house? It only took you several months to find this one, and what are the chances that you’ll encounter this problem again, right?

Written by: Megan Kelly

Illustration: Bleeker Brand by Beth Richardson