Ho! Ho! You Hoes. December is coming. ‘Tis the season for fire-side snuggles with your significant other, and ice skating hand in hand. Here come all thee faithfuls getting fat under blankets because, baby, it’s cold outside. At this time of year, the real gift is looking into each-others eyes and singing: “All I want for Christmas is… you”.

Excuse me while I puke into a nearby stocking.

Despite what Richard Curtis and Hallmark cards would have you think, Jesus’ birthday is a great time to be single. Here are our top tips on how to navigate the holiday season, and the floorspace below the mistletoe.

Ignore The Questions From Family Members

You’ve barely hung up your coat when mum bulldozes in: “Sally saw a photo of you and a lovely tall man on The Instantgram… Is there a special someone?”

“No mum, he’s gay but thanks for asking. I’m still single…”

“Such a shame darling, I’m sure you’ll meet the right person soon. Perhaps, if you painted your nails properly instead of having that disgusting chipped polish… very unattractive.”

Enter the living room and smug sister is home. The Grinch is on television and she’s canoodling with ‘Tim’ on the sofa, pausing only to offer you pitying glances as you browse Twitter. “On tinder again” she cackles. “Fuck off” you retort.

And in the kitchen Gran, three-sherries-deep, wants to know what’s wrong with your generation. By your age she was married, had three children and knew how to cook roast potatoes properly, without burning them.

Whatever. You’ll just have to grin and bare it. It’s family time and there will be enough fights without adding this to the mix. Truth is everyone wants what they can’t have, even if only a tiny bit, and they are ALL secretly jealous of your freedom. Mum pines for the days of the discotheque, sis hates spending weekends with Tim’s weird mates and Gran got married at like 15 so doesn’t really know what she’s missing. Just breeeathhheee.

Party! Party! Party!

Whether you are rockin’ around the Christmas tree or photocopying your arse at the office bash, parties are much more fun when you’re flying solo. It’s the season to be jolly, and you can flash your baubles if you want to. Pro tip: put mistletoe in your hair then you are always strategically underneath it. Equally, if pulling ain’t your festive prerogative, you can snarf on all the canapés, drink all the mulled-wine and still be able to roll your bloated body home without fear of having to entice.

Spend That Hard-Earned Dollar On Yourself

That’s right no need for grand gestures of love that cost the world, buy gifts instead for number one… you. Whether you have been naughty or nice you deserve a treat. You could  take a leaf out of my little brother’s book. As a young boy he was given money to buy presents for the family from the school fete. Come Christmas morning the space under the tree was littered with tiny packages labelled “To Tom, From Tom.” And well… why the hell not? Book a massage, buy the good wine, splash out on the shoes you’ll never wear or sign up to that kick-boxing class… whatever it is if it makes you happy, and you can afford it, it should be yours. You know old Auntie Faye is going to sponsor a donkey for you again this year, so you may as well…

Do Stuff Alone, It’s The Best

When you’re single you are spared your partners strange or boring hobbies. You don’t have to go to a vape convention at the ExCeL Centre or freeze to death on the sidelines of a Sunday league football match. You can just do you, whatever that is. We should all take time to date ourselves, it helps us to realise what a catch we really are. Take yourself to the cinema to see the holiday film you want to see, or go to eat food where you want to eat. You may soon find you’re chained to another, and stuck spending December nights pretending to like war biopics with drunk paper-crown-wearing relatives that don’t even belong to you… so enjoy the freedom while you can!

 

Written by: Lydia Veljanovski

Illustration by: @bleeker_brand