How To
How To: Reject Your Roommate
How To
Renting can be hard, especially if you have no dough and need to trawl through Spareroom to find a flatshare with complete strangers. It’s a bit like a lottery, but instead of a 1 in 45 million chance of winning some major mula, you have roughly the same odds of living with someone you really get along with.
At first, they might seem alright. Maybe you like to binge-watch the same shows, or maybe you both enjoy short walks to the fridge together, but things can sometimes turn sour (like the food in the aforementioned fridge). Sometimes living in confined spaces together can mean people easily get the feels, and take your polite but disinterested fake laugh to mean that you totally loved their mansplaining and that you definitely want them.
It’s a tricky situation to handle; you don’t want to trod all over their achy breaky heart and have to listen to them sniffling over the Bridget Jones soundtrack on loop through the paper thin walls of your tiny house, but you also don’t want to let them down so gently that they think there’s still some hope.
So, how can you turn off your Venus-like charm and reject someone while still being a decent roommate?
Honesty Is The Best Policy
Just flat out tell them that you’re not interested. Don’t tiptoe around the subject, just look them in the eyes, channel your inner Dangerous Woman, and say, “thank u, next”. It may feel awkward for you, but it’s definitely ten times more awkward for them, and they don’t want to listen to a long-winded story about why it would never work as much as you don’t want to come up with one. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Do it like a Band-Aid, and rip that thing off before it festers.
Speak In The Language Of Love
Maybe this is French, or German, or the little phrases of Spanish you remember from your recent Narcos binge. Whether you’re counting to ten in Italian, or mimicking a threat from the cartel, just pretend that all of a sudden you don’t speak English anymore, and you literally can’t understand a word they’re saying. They’re bound to fall for it, ¿sí o no?
Come Up With A Vague Excuse
We all want to be noble and do the right thing and just tell the truth, but even with good intentions, sometimes the moment can be too awkward and you just blurt out some pathetic excuse. Maybe it’s the classic go-to of “I’m seeing someone already” (even though they know you spend 99% of your free time alone in your room with a face mask on watching the best bits of The Office on YouTube), or maybe you go with the more obscure “I actually am incapable of feeling emotions for anything other than food but thanks anyway”. Maybe you let them know that you’re actually really busy trying to remember where you saw that cute dog last week so that you can try to see it again, so you’ve just got too much on your plate right now to think about anything else. Whatever the excuse, play it off with conviction and it’s sure to work like a charm.
The Eyes Are The Nipples Of The Face
Use those windows to the soul to convey meaning without saying a word, and just stare. But not an adoring ‘I want you stare’. Think less ‘blushing bride’ look of love, and more Bride of Chucky evil eyes. It’s bound to keep them at bay (maybe forever).
Hit Them Where it Hurts
Eat their food. Eat all of their food. It’s more soul destroying than any rejection could ever be (just be prepared for some potential retaliation).
Confuse Them With Weird Compliments
“Oh wow, did your moustache grow a little bit since I saw you yesterday? That’s pretty impressive, man! Yours grows like twice as fast as mine! Speaking of, I better go tweeze that bad boy.”
Master The Art Of Misdirection
This one is simpler than it sounds. Just shout “hey look over there!” and make a break for your room.
If All Else Fails…
Maybe just move house? It only took you several months to find this one, and what are the chances that you’ll encounter this problem again, right?
Written by: Megan Kelly
Illustration: Bleeker Brand by Beth Richardson
How To: Survive A Period From Hell
How To
The worst period cramps of my life happened in an Uber on the streets of Paris on the way home to my flat. On arrival, I immediately threw up from the pain and spent the rest of the day lying on the floor willing myself the strength to go and find some paracetamol from the pharmacist down the road. I thank all of my Magic Stars that this is not a regular occurrence, although anyone who’s experienced a ride on the crimson wave is I’m sure familiar with the foetal pose to a certain degree.
In light of this shared phenomenon some 800 million people are experiencing right in this very moment, Lady Bible are here with our top ten tips to get you through it and out the other side in style…
Be Prepared
That’s right, anything Scar can do you can do…too. The best offence is a good defence and in this case that means stocking up the menstrual shelf (not a euphemism for uterus) with the best supplies in the business. I’m talking drugs (whichever floats your boat, but a Sainsbury’s own brand ibuprofen should be more than enough), chocolate digestives, a hot water bottle, face masks and anything else that helps you when the tough gets going.
Complain Very Loudly To Everyone
The wonderful thing about periods is that they happen to very many people on the planet – with this in mind, you should be able to shout about them as and when you choose. Suffering in a spin class? Let your neighbour know! Menstruating in a meeting? Hell yeah your boss is interested (warning: they may not be). The point is, complaining is cathartic and there’s nothing better than being able to #relate in these trying times.
Indulge The Cravings
Apparently salty foods can make you even more bloated than you already are, but if a Dorito is all that’s gonna get you through the day then don’t hold back. Eat your way through the crisp aisle of Tesco if you have to, have a whole bag of Quorn chicken nuggets, go crazy! Chocolate is the other obvious choice of course and if you want to get through the week like you’re literally sponsored by Galaxy then don’t let me stop you, sister.
But if anyone else gets actual third trimester-level bloating when Aunt Flo comes to town, lemon and ginger tea can be a godsend and if you don’t think that mint tea tastes like a warm cup of toothpaste then I hear that can help too.
Remind Yourself That It’s Only Chemical
Like many things in life, PMS – and all the ups and downs that come along with it – is nothing but a pesky hormone or three. While this may be less than comforting when you’re crying into a pillow over Netflix threatening to axe Friends for good, it’s helpful to remember that it’s not you, it’s them! In practical advice, I hear bananas are your BFF when it comes to a case of the accidental overfeels so make like Mowgli and munch away my friend. Mmm, potassium.
That being said, if anyone else blames your mood swings on your “time of the month” then they can get in the sea.
Find A Blood Barrier That Doesn’t Fuck You Off
I personally enjoy a Mooncup for their eco-friendly practicality, while Thinx pants look super fun and there’s a whole range of pads and tampons for every style of flow you can imagine. In any case, research is key when it comes to exploring the options as period time sure as hell ain’t a one-size-fits-all situation (and I’m not still talking about Mooncups). Just choose one that doesn’t make you want to push your hand through a wall any more than you already do.
Hydrate Yourself
This one is old news: there’s nothing like 70% of you to make everything feel alright. In all seriousness, ye olde H20 has been proven to calm down the cramps, reduce bloating and maybe even shorten your period! What! Also if you’re struck by any of the digestive system-side symptoms of the menstrual cycle, it’s a good way to get things going if you know what I mean 😉 😉
Get Toasty
That’s right, it’s time to attack fire with fire. A hot water bottle or two can be just the ticket to cooling down the burning sensation in your abdomen; combine it with a massage or cradle it like a child and you’ll be chilled as hell in no time. What’s that, you’ve lent your trusty hot bot to your grandma? Not to fret, use a cat if you must (preferably your own) – what a great purr-iod hack! Sorry.
Sex It Out
I hear on the grapevine that engaging in some down time with a trusted friend or partner is a good way to turn the taps off faster and what an exciting way to do it! I can promise it won’t turn into a Tarantino-style scene, but it’s maybe a fun time to head to the shower or at least grab a towel to mop up the good times (sorry again). Besides, orgasms are proven to help battle headaches, cramps and bad moods and you can’t argue with SCIENCE.
Embrace Your (Very Inner) Yogi
It may sound a bit rah, but hear me out. Sometimes it’s just about getting yourself into exactly the right shape of pretzel for it to feel like a weight off your uterus. If you can move just a little bit from your pile of limbs on the floor, try a downward dog or two for a much-needed boost and some sweet, sweet relief.
Don’t Book A Bikini Wax You Absolute Wild Card
This one just speaks for itself, really.
While you’re here, why not help other people feel less shit about menstruating by donating to Bloody Good Period? Your pennies could go towards providing a whole bunch of women with the supplies they need to get through their own period in peace. Pas mal indeed.
Written by: Mini Smith
Illustration: Bleeker Brand by Beth Richardson
How To: Go to Work With A Hangover
How To
If there’s a boy in the bed, kick him out. Tell Tim he better find his boxers and then find the door because you’ve got a day to conquer. If there’s some leftover nachos by your bedside, sniff first, and then maybe snack on them as you have that awful realisation: you have to go to work with a hangover. You’re wearing the same crop top with one boob popped out, your jeans are unzipped because of said nachos, and your Netflix cue is playing another rerun episode of Queer Eye. That explains the mascara-stained tissues by your bed too. Before you panic and feel like you have to call out sick, take some time to toughen up bitch. You need to make that cash money, so get out of bed (slowly) and let’s get the day started.
Wash Off Your Tramp Stamp
Okay ladies. This is where you have to shower or possibly/most likely fake it because it’s time to get yourself together. If you have time to wash out all your regrets beforehand, go for it! You can lather up with a moisturising body wash and have a little TLC. But realistically, you probably woke up late, so if you don’t have time to shower, remember these two things. First, wash your hands. Do you really want to go to a meeting with “Two4One” or “Fusion Nights” stamped on your hand? Wash that off immediately. Also, try to wash your face if you can. Start with a makeup wipe to get off all the makeup you probably slept in, and then dab on a moisturiser because your skin is most likely dehydrated.
Cover Up Last Night’s Regrets
Makeup can really be your friend in this situation. You can choose to own your hangover and dress like you clearly went out the night before, or you can overcome that massive son of a bitch and look like you had 8 hours of sleep and did some light yoga that morning. The best partiers have mastered how to still look fly while running on a hangover. Do yourself a favour, and drink tons of water to overcome your bloated face. Seriously, how many double chins can someone have? If your eyes are puffy, you can also put tea bags on your face to alleviate any puffiness. While you got those tea bags on your face, maybe check your phone and see the damage to your bank account and check out the pictures you don’t remember taking in the women’s toilets.
Make A Personalised Hangover Kit
Before you leave your house, do yourself a favour and pack the essentials. Some people have survival kits, and you’ll need a hangover one for work. I would pack a ginger ale or Sprite can in your bag, just in case you start feeling a little nauseous. Also, if you have time, make somewhat of a heavy breakfast. Breakfast sandwiches can be really easy and quick, and if you eat that leftover pizza by your bedside, chances are, you’ll feel even greasier and worse after work. There’s something about soup that can heal your soul after selling yours the night before, so opt for a noodle based soup like pho or ramen. If you can pack that for lunch, that’ll definitely soothe your soul mentally and physically.
Focus On Your Work Bitch
Remember that faint flashback of you texting your ex boyfriend about how happy you finally are or that moment you threw up in a nightclub bin? Yeah block that shit out of your mind. It’ll distract you from work. It’s okay to deal with the repercussions after. We all have those ‘That’s So Raven’ moments when we get visions from the night before, but try not to think about all the mistakes you made. If there’s a boy you met last night, don’t worry, he’ll still be alive when you come home. Keep your Instagram and Snapchat check-ins at a minimum. Try to focus on work as much as you can, unless it’s brunch time. Then by all means, spill the details and gossip with your co-workers. When you finally get home, make sure you take some time to relax. It feels like a marathon going from a night out straight to work, so feel free to treat yourself when the work day is over.
Written by: Kavita Singh
Illustration: Bleeker Brand by Beth Richardson
How To: Appear Cultured When You’re Really Not
How To
There’s no rule that says you always have to be the most cultivated person in the room. True friends will accept the fact that your film knowledge extends to the top five teenage makeover movies of the early 00s or that your favourite La La Land is by Demi Lovato. Other times, you’re at dinner with your pal’s new arty boyfriend or trying to convince an interviewer that there’s more to you than a mastery of Excel – in this case, a little blagging may be required. Luckily for you, Lady Bible is here to help…
Head Straight To The Gift Shop
Let’s face it, actually attending exhibitions can be kind of a drag. Your feet start to hurt, selfies with self-portraits are frowned upon and the only painting you came to see is more crowded than the Northern line on a Tuesday. But if you can make it at least as far as the gift shop, be sure to pick up a few souvenirs of your amazing ‘experience’ with the artist of the moment – whether Mondrian or Mantegna, there’s bound to be an exciting exhibition poster ready and waiting to commemorate your day. Better still, pick up a tote bag for some on-the-go #art appreciation.
Be warned: this could end up like that Joy Division t-shirt you owned in Year 9 (make sure you can name at least one of the paintings this time).
Learn the First Line of a Few Famous Poems
This one is inspired by Woody Allen’s startlingly mediocre To Rome with Love, in which the ‘well read’ and incredibly vacuous Monica reels off the first line of several poems in order to convince a gullible boy of her intelligence: “You buy into her bullshit because she seems to know all the right things to say. She knows names, she knows buzzwords, she knows certain cultural phrases that imply that she knows more than she does.”
Let this be an inspiration to us all – forget the dust-ridden anthologies staring down from your parents’ shelf and head to Sparknotes instead. A few daffodils and roads not taken and you’re ready to impress at any dinner party you choose. It’s what Keats would have wanted, n’est-ce pas?
Curate Your Instagram Persona
Even if the majority of your weekends are spent practising child’s pose amongst a pile of empty Twiglet packets, your Insta self doesn’t have to do the same. Follow some ~artsy~ accounts such as @dreamersofdecadence or @accidentallywesanderson and do some select regrams of the edgiest looking shots. While you’re at it, snap a picture of yourself outside the National Gallery on your way to the nearby Pret, story a random article you found on Twitter that makes you seem informed and be sure the world knows when you venture into Waterstones to use the loo and happen to pass by this year’s Booker Prize winner.
Learn To Cook Just One Ottolenghi Dish (Must Include Pomegranate Seeds)
There’s nothing more guaranteed to make dinner parties look ultra chic than a good old-fashioned Ottolenghi concoction. The more colours the better, make sure to pick the one with the most unnecessary decoration (edible flowers, crushed pistachios, miniature Mona Lisas and the like) to guarantee that it ends up on all your guests’ Instas for the next month to come. No need to learn more than the one dish – nobody has to see the pesto pasta you eat for every other meal of the week and when people start to get suspicious just swap them for a new group of willing participants. Real friends will get it.
Look Back At Your English GCSE Revision Notes
It is a truth universally acknowledged that people love talking about what they know. And what do they know better than the books whose content they were forced to digest and vomit back up every week over the course of two long years? That’s right, it’s time to whip out The Great Gatsby (or maybe just re-watch the film with the fun Beyoncé cover) and brush up on your entry level literature analysis. Pathetic fallacy? Yes please. Cyclicality? Sign me up. The symbolism of GREEN and RED? It doesn’t get better than this! Your friends will be extra pleased to join in on a subject they feel comfortable with, but try to learn one extra fact so that in the end you turn out the cleverest – natch.
Written by: Mini Smith
Illustration: Bleeker Brand by Beth Richardson
How To: Do The Walk Of Shame
How To
What Is The Walk Of Shame?
The walk of shame, or as we at Lady Bible like to call it: the stride of pride, is the beeline to your own bed after a night spent in another’s. The hot foot from a hotty. The exit that prevents a one-night stand from becoming a one-life one. And what you must do when you can’t afford an Uber.
The walk of shame is what comes after you’ve awoken smelling like a pub bin, with a mouth that tastes like a fluffy dog on bonfire night and a head that pounds like a baseline. And there is no escaping it once you’ve established, through bleary eyes, that these bedsheets aren’t yours, this room isn’t yours and that heavy-breathing hunk sure as hell ain’t.
But whether it was a 2 am ‘u up?’ text or butt-dial to an ex that got you in this situation, it is nothing to be feared. Your route should be a runway, and not a plank that leads to an ocean of regret – you are a Lady, after all. So with that in mind here are some useful tips to enable you to keep your head held high, and stride with pride!
You Don’t Have To Hurry Out The Door
Unless you want to, of course. Take your time, have a coffee, and a shower (if you can). They can’t judge you – it takes two to tango. Besides, you never know, last night’s lover might be a great conversationalist and you could want to stay in touch. And if you don’t, still try not to rush because you might forget your underwear and there is nothing more anxiety-inducing than that!
Embrace The Bedhead
Kate Middleton’s billowy blow-outs are so out, messy hair is in. Hell, why not backcomb it even more? Bed hair makes a statement. That statement being “I had sex last night”, and what is so wrong with that?
Smudged Make-up Is A LEWK
The smoky eye is hard to perfect, but last night’s slept in make-up is as close you can get to the coveted haven’t-really-tried rocker vibe. Mascara smudges hide dark circles too, so let them happen. Imperfection IS perfection, and you woke up like this – flawless.
Don’t Hide It, Flaunt It
So what if it’s 8 am and you’re wearing your fuck-me pumps and your tad-too-short skirt? So what if you’re wearing a beer stained shirt? Everyone knows, and guess what? Nobody actually cares. As my mum once told my embarrassed younger self : “People are far too concerned with themselves to care what you’re doing.” You have nothing to hide and you’ll only draw more attention if you act like you do, so strut like you mean it! But if you do get any judgmental glances, just stare right back and flash them a large, knowing smile.
Play Some Tunes As You Go
Nothing puts a spring in your step like a sassy song. Some in-theme picks include One Night Stand by Janis Joplin, Run the World (girls) by Beyoncé and These Boots Are Made for Walkin’ by Nancy Sinatra. Find the full playlist on Spotify @LadyBibleTunes.
Own The Experience
Even if it was terrible. As Nora Ephron, the great journalist and writer, once said “the tragedies of your life one day have the potential to be comic stories the next.” At the very least your night will become something to bitch about over a glass of wine, and at best it will lead to a lifetime of happiness and co-ownership of a labrador. Regret is pointless, you wanted to do it at the time and (hopefully) it was fun. You should just consider it a part of the journey, a small scene in the movie of your life. And in that story you are not the one-night stand, you are the leading Lady!
Written by: Lydia Veljanovski
Illustration: Bleeker Brand by Beth Richardson
How To: Hacks For Laundry Day
How To
We all know the feeling – it’s Monday morning, you’re running late after hitting snooze one too many times, and the hangover from one too many glasses (or bottles) of wine has already hit. You smear last night’s makeup into something that looks somewhat presentable, choke from spraying way too much dry shampoo into your greasy bird’s nest of a bedhead, and grab the first clothes you can find from your beautifully organised floor-drobe.
Alas, they’re stained, crumpled, and don’t pass the smell test even if you’re being generous. It is at this exact moment that you instantly regret not doing the laundry you promised yourself you’d do this weekend. (But spending your weekend doing laundry isn’t much fun, and realistically it was NEVER gonna happen.)
So, my fellow dirty bitches, what should you do?
Wrinkles Are for Pugs, Not Your Playsuit
You’ve managed to find your fav playsuit stuffed under your bed, but it now looks like a floral accordion rather than a cute outfit. Save some precious time on ironing (boring), and hang up your outfit on the shower door while you jump in for a quick scrub and wash away your regrets from the night before. The steam will make that baby look good as new, and will leave you with more time for a nice morning existential crisis in the tub. (Anyone else re-enact Rihanna’s ‘Stay’ video when hungover in the bath?)
“Alcohol – The Cause Of, And Solution To, All Of Life’s Problems”
Never have truer words been spoken by Homer J. Simpson. If you’ve got some spare vodka leftover from the weekend and you feel like you can sacrifice it, pour a little into a spray bottle and add some water and lemon (no mixer tho pls). Spritz it over your dirty shirts and hang them up near a window to air out. The sight of the bottle alone may bring back flashbacks of bad decisions, but the alcohol will neutralise any odour and leave you hot to trot.
Spray, Delay, And Walk Away
Jonathan Van Ness, Queer Eye’s most loved Queen, always has some words of wisdom when it comes to fashion tips. So omg, like, no shade at all, but you’re like struggs to func right now (translation: struggling to function), so you need to spray, delay and walk away honey. Spray some perfume into the air in front of you while you’re wearing your not-so-fresh clothes, wait a sec until the mist spreads a bit, and then sashay away like Miss Vanjieeeee. She’s gorg honey, she’s livinggggg. JVN would be proud.
Let’s Mention The Unmentionables
If you’re really feeling ballsy and desperate you can always turn your underwear inside out (sorry mom). Bras are basically a free pass; I mean do you even have to wash them??? (yes). Smelly socks can be pretty disgusting, but sprinkle some talcum powder on the soles and inside your shoes to freshen them up.
‘Sure’ It’ll Smell Fine!
Your smelly jumper might have you feeling like you’re in the pitts, but a good douse of deodorant should do the trick. Just make sure it doesn’t leave any white marks! Bad for the environment, good for the people who have to stand next to you on the tube.
I’m Spinning Around, Get Out Of My Way
If you have a few minutes to spare, have a boogie to a Kylie Minogue classic while you throw your outfit into the tumble dryer for a quick freshen up, and add some scented dryer sheets if you have them for extra floral freshness.
(Note: for extra funky music find the full playlist on Spotify @LadyBibleTunes).
Bake That Face, And Those Stains
While you’re waiting for your setting powder to bake, grab some baking soda and sprinkle it on to those nasty pitt-stains. Rub it in and leave it for a few minutes, and then brush it off. The soda will soak up the odour and your stinky shirt will live to see another day.
Written by: Megan Sarah Kelly
Illustration: Bleeker Brand by Beth Richardson
How To: Dump Them After The First Date
How To
So you killed your first date? Duh. You were your naturally charming, sexy self, and now your date has the heart eye emojis for you? Here’s the thing. You don’t want to see this person again. That’s right. Ladies, we go through it too. Whether it’s halfway through the date or when your trying to tame your bed head in the morning, sometimes you just realise this is not going to be a long term thing. So what do you do so the guy thinks it was his decision to end things?
Talk About Your Ex
You’re not going to just mention your ex. Make your date your therapist as you delve into all ins and outs of what your ex did wrong. People can tell a lot about your character from past relationships, especially if you’re putting all the blame and responsibility on your ex. Also, if you did something crazy during the aftermath of your breakup, don’t be afraid to throw that in the conversation as well. It’ll be enough of a red flag for your date to tattoo “temporary” on your forehead.
Complain About Everything
Negativity is truly toxic. If you complain about everything on your date, he’ll get a sense of negative energy from you, and he’ll realise what a downer you are. Make sure you criticise everything in your life, from your overbearing mum who still makes your favourite dish every time you visit to how annoying it is that your dog just had puppies.
Yes, this is key. Anyone can complain about the negative aspects of the world, but it takes skill to complain about positive things in the world like your mother and adorable puppies. If you really feel like getting into character, call your waiter or bartender over with loads of complaints. Not only will you come off as overly critical, but you’ll be seen as very high maintenance.
Be REALLY Needy In The Morning
Nothing annoys guys more than when you’re hanging around in the morning, while he mentally figures out how he’s going to kick you out of his bed. So hang on to him. In fact, just sprawl your whole body out on top of him. However, this will backfire if you have morning sex! Tell him you just want to cuddle and hold each other. Call him a ridiculous pet name like cupcake too while you cuddle. And when he starts mentioning all the things he has to get done for the day, be oblivious as you cling onto him.
Have Absurd Excuses For Texting Back Late
Nothing is more of a pet peeve than flakey texters. Go hours without getting back to him, and when you do, hit him with a storm of messages that explain why you were gone. Say your phone broke. Better yet, tell him you accidentally tossed it in a fire and had to get a new phone. The point is that you’re not playing hard to get, but at the same time, you’re smothering him with messages, which will likely confuse and overwhelm the poor soul. Eventually, he’ll get fed up and Tinder will be way more of a viable option.
Written by: Kavita Singh
Illustration: Bleeker Brand by Beth Richardson
Lady Bible 