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How To: Go to Work With A Hangover
How To
If there’s a boy in the bed, kick him out. Tell Tim he better find his boxers and then find the door because you’ve got a day to conquer. If there’s some leftover nachos by your bedside, sniff first, and then maybe snack on them as you have that awful realisation: you have to go to work with a hangover. You’re wearing the same crop top with one boob popped out, your jeans are unzipped because of said nachos, and your Netflix cue is playing another rerun episode of Queer Eye. That explains the mascara-stained tissues by your bed too. Before you panic and feel like you have to call out sick, take some time to toughen up bitch. You need to make that cash money, so get out of bed (slowly) and let’s get the day started.
Wash Off Your Tramp Stamp
Okay ladies. This is where you have to shower or possibly/most likely fake it because it’s time to get yourself together. If you have time to wash out all your regrets beforehand, go for it! You can lather up with a moisturising body wash and have a little TLC. But realistically, you probably woke up late, so if you don’t have time to shower, remember these two things. First, wash your hands. Do you really want to go to a meeting with “Two4One” or “Fusion Nights” stamped on your hand? Wash that off immediately. Also, try to wash your face if you can. Start with a makeup wipe to get off all the makeup you probably slept in, and then dab on a moisturiser because your skin is most likely dehydrated.
Cover Up Last Night’s Regrets
Makeup can really be your friend in this situation. You can choose to own your hangover and dress like you clearly went out the night before, or you can overcome that massive son of a bitch and look like you had 8 hours of sleep and did some light yoga that morning. The best partiers have mastered how to still look fly while running on a hangover. Do yourself a favour, and drink tons of water to overcome your bloated face. Seriously, how many double chins can someone have? If your eyes are puffy, you can also put tea bags on your face to alleviate any puffiness. While you got those tea bags on your face, maybe check your phone and see the damage to your bank account and check out the pictures you don’t remember taking in the women’s toilets.
Make A Personalised Hangover Kit
Before you leave your house, do yourself a favour and pack the essentials. Some people have survival kits, and you’ll need a hangover one for work. I would pack a ginger ale or Sprite can in your bag, just in case you start feeling a little nauseous. Also, if you have time, make somewhat of a heavy breakfast. Breakfast sandwiches can be really easy and quick, and if you eat that leftover pizza by your bedside, chances are, you’ll feel even greasier and worse after work. There’s something about soup that can heal your soul after selling yours the night before, so opt for a noodle based soup like pho or ramen. If you can pack that for lunch, that’ll definitely soothe your soul mentally and physically.
Focus On Your Work Bitch
Remember that faint flashback of you texting your ex boyfriend about how happy you finally are or that moment you threw up in a nightclub bin? Yeah block that shit out of your mind. It’ll distract you from work. It’s okay to deal with the repercussions after. We all have those ‘That’s So Raven’ moments when we get visions from the night before, but try not to think about all the mistakes you made. If there’s a boy you met last night, don’t worry, he’ll still be alive when you come home. Keep your Instagram and Snapchat check-ins at a minimum. Try to focus on work as much as you can, unless it’s brunch time. Then by all means, spill the details and gossip with your co-workers. When you finally get home, make sure you take some time to relax. It feels like a marathon going from a night out straight to work, so feel free to treat yourself when the work day is over.
Written by: Kavita Singh
Illustration: Bleeker Brand by Beth Richardson
Lady of the week: Elly Beckford
Ladies
Insta: @thelastjellyfish / @elly_beckford
Website: www.ellybeckford.com
Hi Lady, can you tell us a bit about yourself?
I’m a fashion designer based in London. Love embroidery. Sometimes a life model.
What ladies do you look up to?
I recently started listening to psychotherapist Esther Perel’s “Where Should We Begin?” podcasts and think she’s amazing. I also love the work of performance artist Marina Abramovic, I went to her exhibition at the Serpentine a few years ago, she stood next to me and held my hand, it was magic. And obviously my mum, she’s a legend. Tbh all women are pretty fucking great.
How important do you think it is for us ladies to support each other?
I think it’s incredibly important. It can’t stop at just cis women though, and we have to support everyone especially minorities and those who can’t help themselves. Tbh anyone needing support deserves to receive it.
Do you have any advice for anyone feeling less than ladylike?
I don’t know if I ever feel ladylike! But when I feel my best I feel strong, energised and present. Self-care is key! I journal, meditate, go running and just be for a bit.
And finally your song of the week, plz…
Keep listening to ‘Whore’ by In This Moment.
How To: Appear Cultured When You’re Really Not
How To
There’s no rule that says you always have to be the most cultivated person in the room. True friends will accept the fact that your film knowledge extends to the top five teenage makeover movies of the early 00s or that your favourite La La Land is by Demi Lovato. Other times, you’re at dinner with your pal’s new arty boyfriend or trying to convince an interviewer that there’s more to you than a mastery of Excel – in this case, a little blagging may be required. Luckily for you, Lady Bible is here to help…
Head Straight To The Gift Shop
Let’s face it, actually attending exhibitions can be kind of a drag. Your feet start to hurt, selfies with self-portraits are frowned upon and the only painting you came to see is more crowded than the Northern line on a Tuesday. But if you can make it at least as far as the gift shop, be sure to pick up a few souvenirs of your amazing ‘experience’ with the artist of the moment – whether Mondrian or Mantegna, there’s bound to be an exciting exhibition poster ready and waiting to commemorate your day. Better still, pick up a tote bag for some on-the-go #art appreciation.
Be warned: this could end up like that Joy Division t-shirt you owned in Year 9 (make sure you can name at least one of the paintings this time).
Learn the First Line of a Few Famous Poems
This one is inspired by Woody Allen’s startlingly mediocre To Rome with Love, in which the ‘well read’ and incredibly vacuous Monica reels off the first line of several poems in order to convince a gullible boy of her intelligence: “You buy into her bullshit because she seems to know all the right things to say. She knows names, she knows buzzwords, she knows certain cultural phrases that imply that she knows more than she does.”
Let this be an inspiration to us all – forget the dust-ridden anthologies staring down from your parents’ shelf and head to Sparknotes instead. A few daffodils and roads not taken and you’re ready to impress at any dinner party you choose. It’s what Keats would have wanted, n’est-ce pas?
Curate Your Instagram Persona
Even if the majority of your weekends are spent practising child’s pose amongst a pile of empty Twiglet packets, your Insta self doesn’t have to do the same. Follow some ~artsy~ accounts such as @dreamersofdecadence or @accidentallywesanderson and do some select regrams of the edgiest looking shots. While you’re at it, snap a picture of yourself outside the National Gallery on your way to the nearby Pret, story a random article you found on Twitter that makes you seem informed and be sure the world knows when you venture into Waterstones to use the loo and happen to pass by this year’s Booker Prize winner.
Learn To Cook Just One Ottolenghi Dish (Must Include Pomegranate Seeds)
There’s nothing more guaranteed to make dinner parties look ultra chic than a good old-fashioned Ottolenghi concoction. The more colours the better, make sure to pick the one with the most unnecessary decoration (edible flowers, crushed pistachios, miniature Mona Lisas and the like) to guarantee that it ends up on all your guests’ Instas for the next month to come. No need to learn more than the one dish – nobody has to see the pesto pasta you eat for every other meal of the week and when people start to get suspicious just swap them for a new group of willing participants. Real friends will get it.
Look Back At Your English GCSE Revision Notes
It is a truth universally acknowledged that people love talking about what they know. And what do they know better than the books whose content they were forced to digest and vomit back up every week over the course of two long years? That’s right, it’s time to whip out The Great Gatsby (or maybe just re-watch the film with the fun Beyoncé cover) and brush up on your entry level literature analysis. Pathetic fallacy? Yes please. Cyclicality? Sign me up. The symbolism of GREEN and RED? It doesn’t get better than this! Your friends will be extra pleased to join in on a subject they feel comfortable with, but try to learn one extra fact so that in the end you turn out the cleverest – natch.
Written by: Mini Smith
Illustration: Bleeker Brand by Beth Richardson
Lady Bible 