How To: Appear Cultured When You’re Really Not

How To

There’s no rule that says you always have to be the most cultivated person in the room. True friends will accept the fact that your film knowledge extends to the top five teenage makeover movies of the early 00s or that your favourite La La Land is by Demi Lovato. Other times, you’re at dinner with your pal’s new arty boyfriend or trying to convince an interviewer that there’s more to you than a mastery of Excel – in this case, a little blagging may be required. Luckily for you, Lady Bible is here to help…

Head Straight To The Gift Shop

Let’s face it, actually attending exhibitions can be kind of a drag. Your feet start to hurt, selfies with self-portraits are frowned upon and the only painting you came to see is more crowded than the Northern line on a Tuesday. But if you can make it at least as far as the gift shop, be sure to pick up a few souvenirs of your amazing ‘experience’ with the artist of the moment – whether Mondrian or Mantegna, there’s bound to be an exciting exhibition poster ready and waiting to commemorate your day. Better still, pick up a tote bag for some on-the-go #art appreciation.

Be warned: this could end up like that Joy Division t-shirt you owned in Year 9 (make sure you can name at least one of the paintings this time).

Learn the First Line of a Few Famous Poems

This one is inspired by Woody Allen’s startlingly mediocre To Rome with Love, in which the ‘well read’ and incredibly vacuous Monica reels off the first line of several poems in order to convince a gullible boy of her intelligence: “You buy into her bullshit because she seems to know all the right things to say. She knows names, she knows buzzwords, she knows certain cultural phrases that imply that she knows more than she does.”

Let this be an inspiration to us all – forget the dust-ridden anthologies staring down from your parents’ shelf and head to Sparknotes instead. A few daffodils and roads not taken and you’re ready to impress at any dinner party you choose. It’s what Keats would have wanted, n’est-ce pas?

Curate Your Instagram Persona

Even if the majority of your weekends are spent practising child’s pose amongst a pile of empty Twiglet packets, your Insta self doesn’t have to do the same. Follow some ~artsy~ accounts such as @dreamersofdecadence or @accidentallywesanderson and do some select regrams of the edgiest looking shots. While you’re at it, snap a picture of yourself outside the National Gallery on your way to the nearby Pret, story a random article you found on Twitter that makes you seem informed and be sure the world knows when you venture into Waterstones to use the loo and happen to pass by this year’s Booker Prize winner.

Learn To Cook Just One Ottolenghi Dish (Must Include Pomegranate Seeds)

There’s nothing more guaranteed to make dinner parties look ultra chic than a good old-fashioned Ottolenghi concoction. The more colours the better, make sure to pick the one with the most unnecessary decoration (edible flowers, crushed pistachios, miniature Mona Lisas and the like) to guarantee that it ends up on all your guests’ Instas for the next month to come. No need to learn more than the one dish – nobody has to see the pesto pasta you eat for every other meal of the week and when people start to get suspicious just swap them for a new group of willing participants. Real friends will get it.

Look Back At Your English GCSE Revision Notes

It is a truth universally acknowledged that people love talking about what they know. And what do they know better than the books whose content they were forced to digest and vomit back up every week over the course of two long years? That’s right, it’s time to whip out The Great Gatsby (or maybe just re-watch the film with the fun Beyoncé cover) and brush up on your entry level literature analysis. Pathetic fallacy? Yes please. Cyclicality? Sign me up. The symbolism of GREEN and RED? It doesn’t get better than this! Your friends will be extra pleased to join in on a subject they feel comfortable with, but try to learn one extra fact so that in the end you turn out the cleverest – natch.

Written by: Mini Smith

Illustration: Bleeker Brand by Beth Richardson

How To: Do The Walk Of Shame

How To

What Is The Walk Of Shame?

The walk of shame, or as we at Lady Bible like to call it: the stride of pride, is the beeline to your own bed after a night spent in another’s. The hot foot from a hotty. The exit that prevents a one-night stand from becoming a one-life one. And what you must do when you can’t afford an Uber.

The walk of shame is what comes after you’ve awoken smelling like a pub bin, with a mouth that tastes like a fluffy dog on bonfire night and a head that pounds like a baseline. And there is no escaping it once you’ve established, through bleary eyes, that these bedsheets aren’t yours, this room isn’t yours and that heavy-breathing hunk sure as hell ain’t.

But whether it was a 2 am ‘u up?’ text or butt-dial to an ex that got you in this situation, it is nothing to be feared. Your route should be a runway, and not a plank that leads to an ocean of regret – you are a Lady, after all. So with that in mind here are some useful tips to enable you to keep your head held high, and stride with pride!

You Don’t Have To Hurry Out The Door

Unless you want to, of course. Take your time, have a coffee, and a shower (if you can). They can’t judge you – it takes two to tango. Besides, you never know, last night’s lover might be a great conversationalist and you could want to stay in touch. And if you don’t, still try not to rush because you might forget your underwear and there is nothing more anxiety-inducing than that!

Embrace The Bedhead

Kate Middleton’s billowy blow-outs are so out, messy hair is in. Hell, why not backcomb it even more? Bed hair makes a statement. That statement being “I had sex last night”, and what is so wrong with that?

Smudged Make-up Is A LEWK

The smoky eye is hard to perfect, but last night’s slept in make-up is as close you can get to the coveted haven’t-really-tried rocker vibe. Mascara smudges hide dark circles too, so let them happen. Imperfection IS perfection, and you woke up like this – flawless.

Don’t Hide It, Flaunt It

So what if it’s 8 am and you’re wearing your fuck-me pumps and your tad-too-short skirt? So what if you’re wearing a beer stained shirt? Everyone knows, and guess what? Nobody actually cares. As my mum once told my embarrassed younger self : “People are far too concerned with themselves to care what you’re doing.” You have nothing to hide and you’ll only draw more attention if you act like you do, so strut like you mean it! But if you do get any judgmental glances, just stare right back and flash them a large, knowing smile.

Play Some Tunes As You Go

Nothing puts a spring in your step like a sassy song. Some in-theme picks include One Night Stand by Janis Joplin, Run the World (girls) by Beyoncé and These Boots Are Made for Walkin’ by Nancy Sinatra. Find the full playlist on Spotify @LadyBibleTunes.

Own The Experience

Even if it was terrible. As Nora Ephron, the great journalist and writer, once said “the tragedies of your life one day have the potential to be comic stories the next.” At the very least your night will become something to bitch about over a glass of wine, and at best it will lead to a lifetime of happiness and co-ownership of a labrador. Regret is pointless, you wanted to do it at the time and (hopefully) it was fun. You should just consider it a part of the journey, a small scene in the movie of your life. And in that story you are not the one-night stand, you are the leading Lady!

Written by: Lydia Veljanovski

Illustration: Bleeker Brand by Beth Richardson

How To: Dump Them After The First Date

How To

So you killed your first date? Duh. You were your naturally charming, sexy self, and now your date has the heart eye emojis for you? Here’s the thing. You don’t want to see this person again. That’s right. Ladies, we go through it too. Whether it’s halfway through the date or when your trying to tame your bed head in the morning, sometimes you just realise this is not going to be a long term thing. So what do you do so the guy thinks it was his decision to end things?

Talk About Your Ex

You’re not going to just mention your ex. Make your date your therapist as you delve into all ins and outs of what your ex did wrong. People can tell a lot about your character from past relationships, especially if you’re putting all the blame and responsibility on your ex. Also, if you did something crazy during the aftermath of your breakup, don’t be afraid to throw that in the conversation as well. It’ll be enough of a red flag for your date to tattoo “temporary” on your forehead.

Complain About Everything

Negativity is truly toxic. If you complain about everything on your date, he’ll get a sense of negative energy from you, and he’ll realise what a downer you are. Make sure you criticise everything in your life, from your overbearing mum who still makes your favourite dish every time you visit to how annoying it is that your dog just had puppies.

Yes, this is key. Anyone can complain about the negative aspects of the world, but it takes skill to complain about positive things in the world like your mother and adorable puppies. If you really feel like getting into character, call your waiter or bartender over with loads of complaints. Not only will you come off as overly critical, but you’ll be seen as very high maintenance.

Be REALLY Needy In The Morning

Nothing annoys guys more than when you’re hanging around in the morning, while he mentally figures out how he’s going to kick you out of his bed. So hang on to him. In fact, just sprawl your whole body out on top of him. However, this will backfire if you have morning sex! Tell him you just want to cuddle and hold each other. Call him a ridiculous pet name like cupcake too while you cuddle. And when he starts mentioning all the things he has to get done for the day, be oblivious as you cling onto him.

Have Absurd Excuses For Texting Back Late

Nothing is more of a pet peeve than flakey texters. Go hours without getting back to him, and when you do, hit him with a storm of messages that explain why you were gone. Say your phone broke. Better yet, tell him you accidentally tossed it in a fire and had to get a new phone. The point is that you’re not playing hard to get, but at the same time, you’re smothering him with messages, which will likely confuse and overwhelm the poor soul. Eventually, he’ll get fed up and Tinder will be way more of a viable option.

Written by: Kavita Singh

Illustration: Bleeker Brand by Beth Richardson

Lady Of The Week: Beth Richardson

Ladies

Insta: @bethrichardson / @bleeker_brand

Website: www.bleekerbrand.com

Hi Lady, can you tell us a bit about yourself?

I’m a fashion designer by trade, currently running my own illustration and graphic design clothing company ‘Bleeker’. Big into punk rock music, tattoos and boxing… gotta mix it up!

What ladies do you look up to?

Grace Neutral is killing it for independent tattoo artists and is worth checking if you like stick and pokes. I’m also big martial arts fan – Ronda Rousey is a badass athlete and Nicola Adams is my boxing inspiration.

How important do you think it is for us ladies to support each other?

It’s so important. I spent years working in advertising and marketing corporate environments where it was very cut-throat. A lot of male colleagues got promoted over incredibly talented women. That gave me the drive to quit my job and carve my own path. Now I get to choose who I work with and support others who have done the same.

Do you have any advice for anyone feeling less than ladylike?

Give yourself some time. When I’m down I like to go on a run, then treat myself to a face mask and a glass of red wine with a trashy Netflix series. It’s a cure-all. I hate the cliché of ‘self-care’ – it should just be part of your routine.

And finally your song of the week, plz…

Connan Mockasin ft. James Blake – Momo’s. It is the perfect soundtrack to dark winter evenings.