The worst period cramps of my life happened in an Uber on the streets of Paris on the way home to my flat. On arrival, I immediately threw up from the pain and spent the rest of the day lying on the floor willing myself the strength to go and find some paracetamol from the pharmacist down the road. I thank all of my Magic Stars that this is not a regular occurrence, although anyone who’s experienced a ride on the crimson wave is I’m sure familiar with the foetal pose to a certain degree.

In light of this shared phenomenon some 800 million people are experiencing right in this very moment, Lady Bible are here with our top ten tips to get you through it and out the other side in style…

Be Prepared

That’s right, anything Scar can do you can do…too. The best offence is a good defence and in this case that means stocking up the menstrual shelf (not a euphemism for uterus) with the best supplies in the business. I’m talking drugs (whichever floats your boat, but a Sainsbury’s own brand ibuprofen should be more than enough), chocolate digestives, a hot water bottle, face masks and anything else that helps you when the tough gets going.

Complain Very Loudly To Everyone

The wonderful thing about periods is that they happen to very many people on the planet – with this in mind, you should be able to shout about them as and when you choose. Suffering in a spin class? Let your neighbour know! Menstruating in a meeting? Hell yeah your boss is interested (warning: they may not be). The point is, complaining is cathartic and there’s nothing better than being able to #relate in these trying times.

Indulge The Cravings

Apparently salty foods can make you even more bloated than you already are, but if a Dorito is all that’s gonna get you through the day then don’t hold back. Eat your way through the crisp aisle of Tesco if you have to, have a whole bag of Quorn chicken nuggets, go crazy! Chocolate is the other obvious choice of course and if you want to get through the week like you’re literally sponsored by Galaxy then don’t let me stop you, sister.

But if anyone else gets actual third trimester-level bloating when Aunt Flo comes to town, lemon and ginger tea can be a godsend and if you don’t think that mint tea tastes like a warm cup of toothpaste then I hear that can help too.

Remind Yourself That It’s Only Chemical

Like many things in life, PMS – and all the ups and downs that come along with it – is nothing but a pesky hormone or three. While this may be less than comforting when you’re crying into a pillow over Netflix threatening to axe Friends for good, it’s helpful to remember that it’s not you, it’s them! In practical advice, I hear bananas are your BFF when it comes to a case of the accidental overfeels so make like Mowgli and munch away my friend. Mmm, potassium.

That being said, if anyone else blames your mood swings on your “time of the month” then they can get in the sea.

Find A Blood Barrier That Doesn’t Fuck You Off

I personally enjoy a Mooncup for their eco-friendly practicality, while Thinx pants look super fun and there’s a whole range of pads and tampons for every style of flow you can imagine. In any case, research is key when it comes to exploring the options as period time sure as hell ain’t a one-size-fits-all situation (and I’m not still talking about Mooncups). Just choose one that doesn’t make you want to push your hand through a wall any more than you already do.

Hydrate Yourself

This one is old news: there’s nothing like 70% of you to make everything feel alright. In all seriousness, ye olde H20 has been proven to calm down the cramps, reduce bloating and maybe even shorten your period! What! Also if you’re struck by any of the digestive system-side symptoms of the menstrual cycle, it’s a good way to get things going if you know what I mean 😉 😉

Get Toasty

That’s right, it’s time to attack fire with fire. A hot water bottle or two can be just the ticket to cooling down the burning sensation in your abdomen; combine it with a massage or cradle it like a child and you’ll be chilled as hell in no time. What’s that, you’ve lent your trusty hot bot to your grandma? Not to fret, use a cat if you must (preferably your own) – what a great purr-iod hack! Sorry.

Sex It Out

I hear on the grapevine that engaging in some down time with a trusted friend or partner is a good way to turn the taps off faster and what an exciting way to do it! I can promise it won’t turn into a Tarantino-style scene, but it’s maybe a fun time to head to the shower or at least grab a towel to mop up the good times (sorry again). Besides, orgasms are proven to help battle headaches, cramps and bad moods and you can’t argue with SCIENCE.

Embrace Your (Very Inner) Yogi

It may sound a bit rah, but hear me out. Sometimes it’s just about getting yourself into exactly the right shape of pretzel for it to feel like a weight off your uterus. If you can move just a little bit from your pile of limbs on the floor, try a downward dog or two for a much-needed boost and some sweet, sweet relief.

Don’t Book A Bikini Wax You Absolute Wild Card

This one just speaks for itself, really.

While you’re here, why not help other people feel less shit about menstruating by donating to Bloody Good Period? Your pennies could go towards providing a whole bunch of women with the supplies they need to get through their own period in peace. Pas mal indeed.

Written by: Mini Smith

Illustration: Bleeker Brand by Beth Richardson