one night stand

How To: Go to Work With A Hangover

How To

hangover illustration.png

If there’s a boy in the bed, kick him out. Tell Tim he better find his boxers and then find the door because you’ve got a day to conquer. If there’s some leftover nachos by your bedside, sniff first, and then maybe snack on them as you have that awful realisation: you have to go to work with a hangover. You’re wearing the same crop top with one boob popped out, your jeans are unzipped because of said nachos, and your Netflix cue is playing another rerun episode of Queer Eye. That explains the mascara-stained tissues by your bed too. Before you panic and feel like you have to call out sick, take some time to toughen up bitch. You need to make that cash money, so get out of bed (slowly) and let’s get the day started.

Wash Off Your Tramp Stamp

Okay ladies. This is where you have to shower or possibly/most likely fake it because it’s time to get yourself together. If you have time to wash out all your regrets beforehand, go for it! You can lather up with a moisturising body wash and have a little TLC. But realistically, you probably woke up late, so if you don’t have time to shower, remember these two things. First, wash your hands. Do you really want to go to a meeting with “Two4One” or “Fusion Nights” stamped on your hand? Wash that off immediately. Also, try to wash your face if you can. Start with a makeup wipe to get off all the makeup you probably slept in, and then dab on a moisturiser because your skin is most likely dehydrated.  

Cover Up Last Night’s Regrets

Makeup can really be your friend in this situation. You can choose to own your hangover and dress like you clearly went out the night before, or you can overcome that massive son of a bitch and look like you had 8 hours of sleep and did some light yoga that morning. The best partiers have mastered how to still look fly while running on a hangover. Do yourself a favour, and drink tons of water to overcome your bloated face. Seriously, how many double chins can someone have? If your eyes are puffy, you can also put tea bags on your face to alleviate any puffiness. While you got those tea bags on your face, maybe check your phone and see the damage to your bank account and check out the pictures you don’t remember taking in the women’s toilets.

Make A Personalised Hangover Kit

Before you leave your house, do yourself a favour and pack the essentials. Some people have survival kits, and you’ll need a hangover one for work. I would pack a ginger ale or Sprite can in your bag, just in case you start feeling a little nauseous. Also, if you have time, make somewhat of a heavy breakfast. Breakfast sandwiches can be really easy and quick, and if you eat that leftover pizza by your bedside, chances are, you’ll feel even greasier and worse after work. There’s something about soup that can heal your soul after selling yours the night before, so opt for a noodle based soup like pho or ramen. If you can pack that for lunch, that’ll definitely soothe your soul mentally and physically.

Focus On Your Work Bitch

Remember that faint flashback of you texting your ex boyfriend about how happy you finally are or that moment you threw up in a nightclub bin? Yeah block that shit out of your mind. It’ll distract you from work. It’s okay to deal with the repercussions after. We all have those ‘That’s So Raven’ moments when we get visions from the night before, but try not to think about all the mistakes you made. If there’s a boy you met last night, don’t worry, he’ll still be alive when you come home. Keep your Instagram and Snapchat check-ins at a minimum. Try to focus on work as much as you can, unless it’s brunch time. Then by all means, spill the details and gossip with your co-workers. When you finally get home, make sure you take some time to relax. It feels like a marathon going from a night out straight to work, so feel free to treat yourself when the work day is over.

Written by: Kavita Singh

Illustration: Bleeker Brand by Beth Richardson

How To: Dump Them After The First Date

How To

Bleeker Brand

So you killed your first date? Duh. You were your naturally charming, sexy self, and now your date has the heart eye emojis for you? Here’s the thing. You don’t want to see this person again. That’s right. Ladies, we go through it too. Whether it’s halfway through the date or when your trying to tame your bed head in the morning, sometimes you just realise this is not going to be a long term thing. So what do you do so the guy thinks it was his decision to end things?

Talk About Your Ex

You’re not going to just mention your ex. Make your date your therapist as you delve into all ins and outs of what your ex did wrong. People can tell a lot about your character from past relationships, especially if you’re putting all the blame and responsibility on your ex. Also, if you did something crazy during the aftermath of your breakup, don’t be afraid to throw that in the conversation as well. It’ll be enough of a red flag for your date to tattoo “temporary” on your forehead.

Complain About Everything

Negativity is truly toxic. If you complain about everything on your date, he’ll get a sense of negative energy from you, and he’ll realise what a downer you are. Make sure you criticise everything in your life, from your overbearing mum who still makes your favourite dish every time you visit to how annoying it is that your dog just had puppies.

Yes, this is key. Anyone can complain about the negative aspects of the world, but it takes skill to complain about positive things in the world like your mother and adorable puppies. If you really feel like getting into character, call your waiter or bartender over with loads of complaints. Not only will you come off as overly critical, but you’ll be seen as very high maintenance.

Be REALLY Needy In The Morning

Nothing annoys guys more than when you’re hanging around in the morning, while he mentally figures out how he’s going to kick you out of his bed. So hang on to him. In fact, just sprawl your whole body out on top of him. However, this will backfire if you have morning sex! Tell him you just want to cuddle and hold each other. Call him a ridiculous pet name like cupcake too while you cuddle. And when he starts mentioning all the things he has to get done for the day, be oblivious as you cling onto him.

Have Absurd Excuses For Texting Back Late

Nothing is more of a pet peeve than flakey texters. Go hours without getting back to him, and when you do, hit him with a storm of messages that explain why you were gone. Say your phone broke. Better yet, tell him you accidentally tossed it in a fire and had to get a new phone. The point is that you’re not playing hard to get, but at the same time, you’re smothering him with messages, which will likely confuse and overwhelm the poor soul. Eventually, he’ll get fed up and Tinder will be way more of a viable option.

Written by: Kavita Singh

Illustration: Bleeker Brand by Beth Richardson