Red wine

What Is The Walk Of Shame?

The walk of shame, or as we at Lady Bible like to call it: the stride of pride, is the beeline to your own bed after a night spent in another’s. The hot foot from a hotty. The exit that prevents a one-night stand from becoming a one-life one. And what you must do when you can’t afford an Uber.

The walk of shame is what comes after you’ve awoken smelling like a pub bin, with a mouth that tastes like a fluffy dog on bonfire night and a head that pounds like a baseline. And there is no escaping it once you’ve established, through bleary eyes, that these bedsheets aren’t yours, this room isn’t yours and that heavy-breathing hunk sure as hell ain’t.

But whether it was a 2 am ‘u up?’ text or butt-dial to an ex that got you in this situation, it is nothing to be feared. Your route should be a runway, and not a plank that leads to an ocean of regret – you are a Lady, after all. So with that in mind here are some useful tips to enable you to keep your head held high, and stride with pride!

You Don’t Have To Hurry Out The Door

Unless you want to, of course. Take your time, have a coffee, and a shower (if you can). They can’t judge you – it takes two to tango. Besides, you never know, last night’s lover might be a great conversationalist and you could want to stay in touch. And if you don’t, still try not to rush because you might forget your underwear and there is nothing more anxiety-inducing than that!

Embrace The Bedhead

Kate Middleton’s billowy blow-outs are so out, messy hair is in. Hell, why not backcomb it even more? Bed hair makes a statement. That statement being “I had sex last night”, and what is so wrong with that?

Smudged Make-up Is A LEWK

The smoky eye is hard to perfect, but last night’s slept in make-up is as close you can get to the coveted haven’t-really-tried rocker vibe. Mascara smudges hide dark circles too, so let them happen. Imperfection IS perfection, and you woke up like this – flawless.

Don’t Hide It, Flaunt It

So what if it’s 8 am and you’re wearing your fuck-me pumps and your tad-too-short skirt? So what if you’re wearing a beer stained shirt? Everyone knows, and guess what? Nobody actually cares. As my mum once told my embarrassed younger self : “People are far too concerned with themselves to care what you’re doing.” You have nothing to hide and you’ll only draw more attention if you act like you do, so strut like you mean it! But if you do get any judgmental glances, just stare right back and flash them a large, knowing smile.

Play Some Tunes As You Go

Nothing puts a spring in your step like a sassy song. Some in-theme picks include One Night Stand by Janis Joplin, Run the World (girls) by Beyoncé and These Boots Are Made for Walkin’ by Nancy Sinatra. Find the full playlist on Spotify @LadyBibleTunes.

Own The Experience

Even if it was terrible. As Nora Ephron, the great journalist and writer, once said “the tragedies of your life one day have the potential to be comic stories the next.” At the very least your night will become something to bitch about over a glass of wine, and at best it will lead to a lifetime of happiness and co-ownership of a labrador. Regret is pointless, you wanted to do it at the time and (hopefully) it was fun. You should just consider it a part of the journey, a small scene in the movie of your life. And in that story you are not the one-night stand, you are the leading Lady!

Written by: Lydia Veljanovski

Illustration: Bleeker Brand by Beth Richardson

We all know the feeling – it’s Monday morning, you’re running late after hitting snooze one too many times, and the hangover from one too many glasses (or bottles) of wine has already hit. You smear last night’s makeup into something that looks somewhat presentable, choke from spraying way too much dry shampoo into your greasy bird’s nest of a bedhead, and grab the first clothes you can find from your beautifully organised floor-drobe.

Alas, they’re stained, crumpled, and don’t pass the smell test even if you’re being generous. It is at this exact moment that you instantly regret not doing the laundry you promised yourself you’d do this weekend. (But spending your weekend doing laundry isn’t much fun, and realistically it was NEVER gonna happen.)

So, my fellow dirty bitches, what should you do?

Wrinkles Are for Pugs, Not Your Playsuit

You’ve managed to find your fav playsuit stuffed under your bed, but it now looks like a floral accordion rather than a cute outfit. Save some precious time on ironing (boring), and hang up your outfit on the shower door while you jump in for a quick scrub and wash away your regrets from the night before. The steam will make that baby look good as new, and will leave you with more time for a nice morning existential crisis in the tub. (Anyone else re-enact Rihanna’s ‘Stay’ video when hungover in the bath?)

“Alcohol – The Cause Of, And Solution To, All Of Life’s Problems”

Never have truer words been spoken by Homer J. Simpson. If you’ve got some spare vodka leftover from the weekend and you feel like you can sacrifice it, pour a little into a spray bottle and add some water and lemon (no mixer tho pls). Spritz it over your dirty shirts and hang them up near a window to air out. The sight of the bottle alone may bring back flashbacks of bad decisions, but the alcohol will neutralise any odour and leave you hot to trot.

Spray, Delay, And Walk Away

Jonathan Van Ness, Queer Eye’s most loved Queen, always has some words of wisdom when it comes to fashion tips. So omg, like, no shade at all, but you’re like struggs to func right now (translation: struggling to function), so you need to spray, delay and walk away honey. Spray some perfume into the air in front of you while you’re wearing your not-so-fresh clothes, wait a sec until the mist spreads a bit, and then sashay away like Miss Vanjieeeee. She’s gorg honey, she’s livinggggg. JVN would be proud.

Let’s Mention The Unmentionables

If you’re really feeling ballsy and desperate you can always turn your underwear inside out (sorry mom). Bras are basically a free pass; I mean do you even have to wash them??? (yes). Smelly socks can be pretty disgusting, but sprinkle some talcum powder on the soles and inside your shoes to freshen them up.

‘Sure’ It’ll Smell Fine!

Your smelly jumper might have you feeling like you’re in the pitts, but a good douse of deodorant should do the trick. Just make sure it doesn’t leave any white marks! Bad for the environment, good for the people who have to stand next to you on the tube.

I’m Spinning Around, Get Out Of My Way

If you have a few minutes to spare, have a boogie to a Kylie Minogue classic while you throw your outfit into the tumble dryer for a quick freshen up, and add some scented dryer sheets if you have them for extra floral freshness.

(Note: for extra funky music find the full playlist on Spotify @LadyBibleTunes).

Bake That Face, And Those Stains

While you’re waiting for your setting powder to bake, grab some baking soda and sprinkle it on to those nasty pitt-stains. Rub it in and leave it for a few minutes, and then brush it off. The soda will soak up the odour and your stinky shirt will live to see another day.

Written by: Megan Sarah Kelly