self help

How To: Appear Cultured When You’re Really Not

How To

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There’s no rule that says you always have to be the most cultivated person in the room. True friends will accept the fact that your film knowledge extends to the top five teenage makeover movies of the early 00s or that your favourite La La Land is by Demi Lovato. Other times, you’re at dinner with your pal’s new arty boyfriend or trying to convince an interviewer that there’s more to you than a mastery of Excel – in this case, a little blagging may be required. Luckily for you, Lady Bible is here to help…

Head Straight To The Gift Shop

Let’s face it, actually attending exhibitions can be kind of a drag. Your feet start to hurt, selfies with self-portraits are frowned upon and the only painting you came to see is more crowded than the Northern line on a Tuesday. But if you can make it at least as far as the gift shop, be sure to pick up a few souvenirs of your amazing ‘experience’ with the artist of the moment – whether Mondrian or Mantegna, there’s bound to be an exciting exhibition poster ready and waiting to commemorate your day. Better still, pick up a tote bag for some on-the-go #art appreciation.

Be warned: this could end up like that Joy Division t-shirt you owned in Year 9 (make sure you can name at least one of the paintings this time).

Learn the First Line of a Few Famous Poems

This one is inspired by Woody Allen’s startlingly mediocre To Rome with Love, in which the ‘well read’ and incredibly vacuous Monica reels off the first line of several poems in order to convince a gullible boy of her intelligence: “You buy into her bullshit because she seems to know all the right things to say. She knows names, she knows buzzwords, she knows certain cultural phrases that imply that she knows more than she does.”

Let this be an inspiration to us all – forget the dust-ridden anthologies staring down from your parents’ shelf and head to Sparknotes instead. A few daffodils and roads not taken and you’re ready to impress at any dinner party you choose. It’s what Keats would have wanted, n’est-ce pas?

Curate Your Instagram Persona

Even if the majority of your weekends are spent practising child’s pose amongst a pile of empty Twiglet packets, your Insta self doesn’t have to do the same. Follow some ~artsy~ accounts such as @dreamersofdecadence or @accidentallywesanderson and do some select regrams of the edgiest looking shots. While you’re at it, snap a picture of yourself outside the National Gallery on your way to the nearby Pret, story a random article you found on Twitter that makes you seem informed and be sure the world knows when you venture into Waterstones to use the loo and happen to pass by this year’s Booker Prize winner.

Learn To Cook Just One Ottolenghi Dish (Must Include Pomegranate Seeds)

There’s nothing more guaranteed to make dinner parties look ultra chic than a good old-fashioned Ottolenghi concoction. The more colours the better, make sure to pick the one with the most unnecessary decoration (edible flowers, crushed pistachios, miniature Mona Lisas and the like) to guarantee that it ends up on all your guests’ Instas for the next month to come. No need to learn more than the one dish – nobody has to see the pesto pasta you eat for every other meal of the week and when people start to get suspicious just swap them for a new group of willing participants. Real friends will get it.

Look Back At Your English GCSE Revision Notes

It is a truth universally acknowledged that people love talking about what they know. And what do they know better than the books whose content they were forced to digest and vomit back up every week over the course of two long years? That’s right, it’s time to whip out The Great Gatsby (or maybe just re-watch the film with the fun Beyoncé cover) and brush up on your entry level literature analysis. Pathetic fallacy? Yes please. Cyclicality? Sign me up. The symbolism of GREEN and RED? It doesn’t get better than this! Your friends will be extra pleased to join in on a subject they feel comfortable with, but try to learn one extra fact so that in the end you turn out the cleverest – natch.

Written by: Mini Smith

Illustration: Bleeker Brand by Beth Richardson

How To: Do The Walk Of Shame

How To

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What Is The Walk Of Shame?

The walk of shame, or as we at Lady Bible like to call it: the stride of pride, is the beeline to your own bed after a night spent in another’s. The hot foot from a hotty. The exit that prevents a one-night stand from becoming a one-life one. And what you must do when you can’t afford an Uber.

The walk of shame is what comes after you’ve awoken smelling like a pub bin, with a mouth that tastes like a fluffy dog on bonfire night and a head that pounds like a baseline. And there is no escaping it once you’ve established, through bleary eyes, that these bedsheets aren’t yours, this room isn’t yours and that heavy-breathing hunk sure as hell ain’t.

But whether it was a 2 am ‘u up?’ text or butt-dial to an ex that got you in this situation, it is nothing to be feared. Your route should be a runway, and not a plank that leads to an ocean of regret – you are a Lady, after all. So with that in mind here are some useful tips to enable you to keep your head held high, and stride with pride!

You Don’t Have To Hurry Out The Door

Unless you want to, of course. Take your time, have a coffee, and a shower (if you can). They can’t judge you – it takes two to tango. Besides, you never know, last night’s lover might be a great conversationalist and you could want to stay in touch. And if you don’t, still try not to rush because you might forget your underwear and there is nothing more anxiety-inducing than that!

Embrace The Bedhead

Kate Middleton’s billowy blow-outs are so out, messy hair is in. Hell, why not backcomb it even more?  Bed hair makes a statement. That statement being “I had sex last night”, and what is so wrong with that?

Smudged Make-up Is A LEWK

The smoky eye is hard to perfect, but last night’s slept in make-up is as close you can get to the coveted haven’t-really-tried rocker vibe. Mascara smudges hide dark circles too, so let them happen. Imperfection IS perfection, and you woke up like this – flawless.

Don’t Hide It, Flaunt It

So what if it’s 8 am and you’re wearing your fuck-me pumps and your tad-too-short skirt? So what if you’re wearing a beer stained shirt? Everyone knows, and guess what? Nobody actually cares. As my mum once told my embarrassed younger self : “People are far too concerned with themselves to care what you’re doing.” You have nothing to hide and you’ll only draw more attention if you act like you do, so strut like you mean it! But if you do get any judgmental glances, just stare right back and flash them a large, knowing smile.

Play Some Tunes As You Go

Nothing puts a spring in your step like a sassy song. Some in-theme picks include One Night Stand by Janis Joplin, Run the World (girls) by Beyoncé and These Boots Are Made for Walkin’ by Nancy Sinatra. Find the full playlist on Spotify @LadyBibleTunes.

Own The Experience

Even if it was terrible. As Nora Ephron, the great journalist and writer, once said “the tragedies of your life one day have the potential to be comic stories the next.” At the very least your night will become something to bitch about over a glass of wine, and at best it will lead to a lifetime of happiness and co-ownership of a labrador. Regret is pointless, you wanted to do it at the time and (hopefully) it was fun. You should just consider it a part of the journey, a small scene in the movie of your life. And in that story you are not the one-night stand, you are the leading Lady!

Written by: Lydia Veljanovski

Illustration: Bleeker Brand by Beth Richardson

How To: Hacks For Laundry Day

How To

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We all know the feeling – it’s Monday morning, you’re running late after hitting snooze one too many times, and the hangover from one too many glasses (or bottles) of wine has already hit. You smear last night’s makeup into something that looks somewhat presentable, choke from spraying way too much dry shampoo into your greasy bird’s nest of a bedhead, and grab the first clothes you can find from your beautifully organised floor-drobe.

Alas, they’re stained, crumpled, and don’t pass the smell test even if you’re being generous. It is at this exact moment that you instantly regret not doing the laundry you promised yourself you’d do this weekend. (But spending your weekend doing laundry isn’t much fun, and realistically it was NEVER gonna happen.)

So, my fellow dirty bitches, what should you do?

Wrinkles Are for Pugs, Not Your Playsuit

You’ve managed to find your fav playsuit stuffed under your bed, but it now looks like a floral accordion rather than a cute outfit. Save some precious time on ironing (boring), and hang up your outfit on the shower door while you jump in for a quick scrub and wash away your regrets from the night before. The steam will make that baby look good as new, and will leave you with more time for a nice morning existential crisis in the tub. (Anyone else re-enact Rihanna’s ‘Stay’ video when hungover in the bath?)

“Alcohol – The Cause Of, And Solution To, All Of Life’s Problems”

Never have truer words been spoken by Homer J. Simpson. If you’ve got some spare vodka leftover from the weekend and you feel like you can sacrifice it, pour a little into a spray bottle and add some water and lemon (no mixer tho pls). Spritz it over your dirty shirts and hang them up near a window to air out. The sight of the bottle alone may bring back flashbacks of bad decisions, but the alcohol will neutralise any odour and leave you hot to trot.

Spray, Delay, And Walk Away

Jonathan Van Ness, Queer Eye’s most loved Queen, always has some words of wisdom when it comes to fashion tips. So omg, like, no shade at all, but you’re like struggs to func right now (translation: struggling to function), so you need to spray, delay and walk away honey. Spray some perfume into the air in front of you while you’re wearing your not-so-fresh clothes, wait a sec until the mist spreads a bit, and then sashay away like Miss Vanjieeeee. She’s gorg honey, she’s livinggggg. JVN would be proud.

Let’s Mention The Unmentionables

If you’re really feeling ballsy and desperate you can always turn your underwear inside out (sorry mom). Bras are basically a free pass; I mean do you even have to wash them??? (yes). Smelly socks can be pretty disgusting, but sprinkle some talcum powder on the soles and inside your shoes to freshen them up.

‘Sure’ It’ll Smell Fine!

Your smelly jumper might have you feeling like you’re in the pitts, but a good douse of deodorant should do the trick. Just make sure it doesn’t leave any white marks! Bad for the environment, good for the people who have to stand next to you on the tube.

I’m Spinning Around, Get Out Of My Way

If you have a few minutes to spare, have a boogie to a Kylie Minogue classic while you throw your outfit into the tumble dryer for a quick freshen up, and add some scented dryer sheets if you have them for extra floral freshness.

(Note: for extra funky music find the full playlist on Spotify @LadyBibleTunes).

Bake That Face, And Those Stains

While you’re waiting for your setting powder to bake, grab some baking soda and sprinkle it on to those nasty pitt-stains. Rub it in and leave it for a few minutes, and then brush it off. The soda will soak up the odour and your stinky shirt will live to see another day.

Written by: Megan Sarah Kelly

Illustration: Bleeker Brand by Beth Richardson