sex
How To: Survive A Period From Hell
How To
The worst period cramps of my life happened in an Uber on the streets of Paris on the way home to my flat. On arrival, I immediately threw up from the pain and spent the rest of the day lying on the floor willing myself the strength to go and find some paracetamol from the pharmacist down the road. I thank all of my Magic Stars that this is not a regular occurrence, although anyone who’s experienced a ride on the crimson wave is I’m sure familiar with the foetal pose to a certain degree.
In light of this shared phenomenon some 800 million people are experiencing right in this very moment, Lady Bible are here with our top ten tips to get you through it and out the other side in style…
Be Prepared
That’s right, anything Scar can do you can do…too. The best offence is a good defence and in this case that means stocking up the menstrual shelf (not a euphemism for uterus) with the best supplies in the business. I’m talking drugs (whichever floats your boat, but a Sainsbury’s own brand ibuprofen should be more than enough), chocolate digestives, a hot water bottle, face masks and anything else that helps you when the tough gets going.
Complain Very Loudly To Everyone
The wonderful thing about periods is that they happen to very many people on the planet – with this in mind, you should be able to shout about them as and when you choose. Suffering in a spin class? Let your neighbour know! Menstruating in a meeting? Hell yeah your boss is interested (warning: they may not be). The point is, complaining is cathartic and there’s nothing better than being able to #relate in these trying times.
Indulge The Cravings
Apparently salty foods can make you even more bloated than you already are, but if a Dorito is all that’s gonna get you through the day then don’t hold back. Eat your way through the crisp aisle of Tesco if you have to, have a whole bag of Quorn chicken nuggets, go crazy! Chocolate is the other obvious choice of course and if you want to get through the week like you’re literally sponsored by Galaxy then don’t let me stop you, sister.
But if anyone else gets actual third trimester-level bloating when Aunt Flo comes to town, lemon and ginger tea can be a godsend and if you don’t think that mint tea tastes like a warm cup of toothpaste then I hear that can help too.
Remind Yourself That It’s Only Chemical
Like many things in life, PMS – and all the ups and downs that come along with it – is nothing but a pesky hormone or three. While this may be less than comforting when you’re crying into a pillow over Netflix threatening to axe Friends for good, it’s helpful to remember that it’s not you, it’s them! In practical advice, I hear bananas are your BFF when it comes to a case of the accidental overfeels so make like Mowgli and munch away my friend. Mmm, potassium.
That being said, if anyone else blames your mood swings on your “time of the month” then they can get in the sea.
Find A Blood Barrier That Doesn’t Fuck You Off
I personally enjoy a Mooncup for their eco-friendly practicality, while Thinx pants look super fun and there’s a whole range of pads and tampons for every style of flow you can imagine. In any case, research is key when it comes to exploring the options as period time sure as hell ain’t a one-size-fits-all situation (and I’m not still talking about Mooncups). Just choose one that doesn’t make you want to push your hand through a wall any more than you already do.
Hydrate Yourself
This one is old news: there’s nothing like 70% of you to make everything feel alright. In all seriousness, ye olde H20 has been proven to calm down the cramps, reduce bloating and maybe even shorten your period! What! Also if you’re struck by any of the digestive system-side symptoms of the menstrual cycle, it’s a good way to get things going if you know what I mean 😉 😉
Get Toasty
That’s right, it’s time to attack fire with fire. A hot water bottle or two can be just the ticket to cooling down the burning sensation in your abdomen; combine it with a massage or cradle it like a child and you’ll be chilled as hell in no time. What’s that, you’ve lent your trusty hot bot to your grandma? Not to fret, use a cat if you must (preferably your own) – what a great purr-iod hack! Sorry.
Sex It Out
I hear on the grapevine that engaging in some down time with a trusted friend or partner is a good way to turn the taps off faster and what an exciting way to do it! I can promise it won’t turn into a Tarantino-style scene, but it’s maybe a fun time to head to the shower or at least grab a towel to mop up the good times (sorry again). Besides, orgasms are proven to help battle headaches, cramps and bad moods and you can’t argue with SCIENCE.
Embrace Your (Very Inner) Yogi
It may sound a bit rah, but hear me out. Sometimes it’s just about getting yourself into exactly the right shape of pretzel for it to feel like a weight off your uterus. If you can move just a little bit from your pile of limbs on the floor, try a downward dog or two for a much-needed boost and some sweet, sweet relief.
Don’t Book A Bikini Wax You Absolute Wild Card
This one just speaks for itself, really.
While you’re here, why not help other people feel less shit about menstruating by donating to Bloody Good Period? Your pennies could go towards providing a whole bunch of women with the supplies they need to get through their own period in peace. Pas mal indeed.
Written by: Mini Smith
Illustration: Bleeker Brand by Beth Richardson
How To: Appear Cultured When You’re Really Not
How To
There’s no rule that says you always have to be the most cultivated person in the room. True friends will accept the fact that your film knowledge extends to the top five teenage makeover movies of the early 00s or that your favourite La La Land is by Demi Lovato. Other times, you’re at dinner with your pal’s new arty boyfriend or trying to convince an interviewer that there’s more to you than a mastery of Excel – in this case, a little blagging may be required. Luckily for you, Lady Bible is here to help…
Head Straight To The Gift Shop
Let’s face it, actually attending exhibitions can be kind of a drag. Your feet start to hurt, selfies with self-portraits are frowned upon and the only painting you came to see is more crowded than the Northern line on a Tuesday. But if you can make it at least as far as the gift shop, be sure to pick up a few souvenirs of your amazing ‘experience’ with the artist of the moment – whether Mondrian or Mantegna, there’s bound to be an exciting exhibition poster ready and waiting to commemorate your day. Better still, pick up a tote bag for some on-the-go #art appreciation.
Be warned: this could end up like that Joy Division t-shirt you owned in Year 9 (make sure you can name at least one of the paintings this time).
Learn the First Line of a Few Famous Poems
This one is inspired by Woody Allen’s startlingly mediocre To Rome with Love, in which the ‘well read’ and incredibly vacuous Monica reels off the first line of several poems in order to convince a gullible boy of her intelligence: “You buy into her bullshit because she seems to know all the right things to say. She knows names, she knows buzzwords, she knows certain cultural phrases that imply that she knows more than she does.”
Let this be an inspiration to us all – forget the dust-ridden anthologies staring down from your parents’ shelf and head to Sparknotes instead. A few daffodils and roads not taken and you’re ready to impress at any dinner party you choose. It’s what Keats would have wanted, n’est-ce pas?
Curate Your Instagram Persona
Even if the majority of your weekends are spent practising child’s pose amongst a pile of empty Twiglet packets, your Insta self doesn’t have to do the same. Follow some ~artsy~ accounts such as @dreamersofdecadence or @accidentallywesanderson and do some select regrams of the edgiest looking shots. While you’re at it, snap a picture of yourself outside the National Gallery on your way to the nearby Pret, story a random article you found on Twitter that makes you seem informed and be sure the world knows when you venture into Waterstones to use the loo and happen to pass by this year’s Booker Prize winner.
Learn To Cook Just One Ottolenghi Dish (Must Include Pomegranate Seeds)
There’s nothing more guaranteed to make dinner parties look ultra chic than a good old-fashioned Ottolenghi concoction. The more colours the better, make sure to pick the one with the most unnecessary decoration (edible flowers, crushed pistachios, miniature Mona Lisas and the like) to guarantee that it ends up on all your guests’ Instas for the next month to come. No need to learn more than the one dish – nobody has to see the pesto pasta you eat for every other meal of the week and when people start to get suspicious just swap them for a new group of willing participants. Real friends will get it.
Look Back At Your English GCSE Revision Notes
It is a truth universally acknowledged that people love talking about what they know. And what do they know better than the books whose content they were forced to digest and vomit back up every week over the course of two long years? That’s right, it’s time to whip out The Great Gatsby (or maybe just re-watch the film with the fun Beyoncé cover) and brush up on your entry level literature analysis. Pathetic fallacy? Yes please. Cyclicality? Sign me up. The symbolism of GREEN and RED? It doesn’t get better than this! Your friends will be extra pleased to join in on a subject they feel comfortable with, but try to learn one extra fact so that in the end you turn out the cleverest – natch.
Written by: Mini Smith
Illustration: Bleeker Brand by Beth Richardson
How To: Do The Walk Of Shame
How To
What Is The Walk Of Shame?
The walk of shame, or as we at Lady Bible like to call it: the stride of pride, is the beeline to your own bed after a night spent in another’s. The hot foot from a hotty. The exit that prevents a one-night stand from becoming a one-life one. And what you must do when you can’t afford an Uber.
The walk of shame is what comes after you’ve awoken smelling like a pub bin, with a mouth that tastes like a fluffy dog on bonfire night and a head that pounds like a baseline. And there is no escaping it once you’ve established, through bleary eyes, that these bedsheets aren’t yours, this room isn’t yours and that heavy-breathing hunk sure as hell ain’t.
But whether it was a 2 am ‘u up?’ text or butt-dial to an ex that got you in this situation, it is nothing to be feared. Your route should be a runway, and not a plank that leads to an ocean of regret – you are a Lady, after all. So with that in mind here are some useful tips to enable you to keep your head held high, and stride with pride!
You Don’t Have To Hurry Out The Door
Unless you want to, of course. Take your time, have a coffee, and a shower (if you can). They can’t judge you – it takes two to tango. Besides, you never know, last night’s lover might be a great conversationalist and you could want to stay in touch. And if you don’t, still try not to rush because you might forget your underwear and there is nothing more anxiety-inducing than that!
Embrace The Bedhead
Kate Middleton’s billowy blow-outs are so out, messy hair is in. Hell, why not backcomb it even more? Bed hair makes a statement. That statement being “I had sex last night”, and what is so wrong with that?
Smudged Make-up Is A LEWK
The smoky eye is hard to perfect, but last night’s slept in make-up is as close you can get to the coveted haven’t-really-tried rocker vibe. Mascara smudges hide dark circles too, so let them happen. Imperfection IS perfection, and you woke up like this – flawless.
Don’t Hide It, Flaunt It
So what if it’s 8 am and you’re wearing your fuck-me pumps and your tad-too-short skirt? So what if you’re wearing a beer stained shirt? Everyone knows, and guess what? Nobody actually cares. As my mum once told my embarrassed younger self : “People are far too concerned with themselves to care what you’re doing.” You have nothing to hide and you’ll only draw more attention if you act like you do, so strut like you mean it! But if you do get any judgmental glances, just stare right back and flash them a large, knowing smile.
Play Some Tunes As You Go
Nothing puts a spring in your step like a sassy song. Some in-theme picks include One Night Stand by Janis Joplin, Run the World (girls) by Beyoncé and These Boots Are Made for Walkin’ by Nancy Sinatra. Find the full playlist on Spotify @LadyBibleTunes.
Own The Experience
Even if it was terrible. As Nora Ephron, the great journalist and writer, once said “the tragedies of your life one day have the potential to be comic stories the next.” At the very least your night will become something to bitch about over a glass of wine, and at best it will lead to a lifetime of happiness and co-ownership of a labrador. Regret is pointless, you wanted to do it at the time and (hopefully) it was fun. You should just consider it a part of the journey, a small scene in the movie of your life. And in that story you are not the one-night stand, you are the leading Lady!
Written by: Lydia Veljanovski
Illustration: Bleeker Brand by Beth Richardson
How To: Dump Them After The First Date
How To
So you killed your first date? Duh. You were your naturally charming, sexy self, and now your date has the heart eye emojis for you? Here’s the thing. You don’t want to see this person again. That’s right. Ladies, we go through it too. Whether it’s halfway through the date or when your trying to tame your bed head in the morning, sometimes you just realise this is not going to be a long term thing. So what do you do so the guy thinks it was his decision to end things?
Talk About Your Ex
You’re not going to just mention your ex. Make your date your therapist as you delve into all ins and outs of what your ex did wrong. People can tell a lot about your character from past relationships, especially if you’re putting all the blame and responsibility on your ex. Also, if you did something crazy during the aftermath of your breakup, don’t be afraid to throw that in the conversation as well. It’ll be enough of a red flag for your date to tattoo “temporary” on your forehead.
Complain About Everything
Negativity is truly toxic. If you complain about everything on your date, he’ll get a sense of negative energy from you, and he’ll realise what a downer you are. Make sure you criticise everything in your life, from your overbearing mum who still makes your favourite dish every time you visit to how annoying it is that your dog just had puppies.
Yes, this is key. Anyone can complain about the negative aspects of the world, but it takes skill to complain about positive things in the world like your mother and adorable puppies. If you really feel like getting into character, call your waiter or bartender over with loads of complaints. Not only will you come off as overly critical, but you’ll be seen as very high maintenance.
Be REALLY Needy In The Morning
Nothing annoys guys more than when you’re hanging around in the morning, while he mentally figures out how he’s going to kick you out of his bed. So hang on to him. In fact, just sprawl your whole body out on top of him. However, this will backfire if you have morning sex! Tell him you just want to cuddle and hold each other. Call him a ridiculous pet name like cupcake too while you cuddle. And when he starts mentioning all the things he has to get done for the day, be oblivious as you cling onto him.
Have Absurd Excuses For Texting Back Late
Nothing is more of a pet peeve than flakey texters. Go hours without getting back to him, and when you do, hit him with a storm of messages that explain why you were gone. Say your phone broke. Better yet, tell him you accidentally tossed it in a fire and had to get a new phone. The point is that you’re not playing hard to get, but at the same time, you’re smothering him with messages, which will likely confuse and overwhelm the poor soul. Eventually, he’ll get fed up and Tinder will be way more of a viable option.
Written by: Kavita Singh
Illustration: Bleeker Brand by Beth Richardson
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